by Kate Murray, PhD, Post Adoption Support Provider and Lizzy Bain, Adoptive Parent
If peace, joy, family harmony, and well-deserved relaxation are not descriptors of the holidays for you, be encouraged that you are not alone! While we all celebrate winter holidays in different ways, we likely have these things in common: increased family gatherings, disrupted routines, and plenty of stress.
Why is “the most wonderful time of the year” so darn stressful? It can be stressful for anyone, but for families who have adopted children with special needs, the holidays bring about a perfect storm of family stress, adoption issues, and trauma-informed needs. While all of this stuff is rearing its ugly head, fewer resources are available from your child’s team (schools are closed, therapy appointments are canceled, etc.).
Even before we consider parenting children with histories of trauma and/or special needs, the holidays can be stressful for several reasons:
- Extra burden of a season of travel, big meals, and gift-giving on finances and time
- Navigating extended family relationships and roles
- Expectations that the hap-happiest season of all will be joyous and perfect that don’t always match the reality
For parents of kids with a history of trauma and loss, the holidays can bring unique stressors:
- Trauma reminders can unearth memories of past abuse, neglect, or other traumatic situations. For some kids, memories of past family holidays may have been chaotic or even violent.
- Even positive memories of the past can bring up painful feelings of loss.
- Changes in routine can be particularly challenging for kids who tend to be easily dysregulated. It can be harder to adapt or cope with the unknown with a history of trauma.
In addition, times of celebration and family gatherings can bring up some unique adoption-specific issues:
- Grief and loss related to remembering people, places, and things from the past that are missing today.
- Holidays can bring up insecurity related to feelings of belongingness or being accepted within the extended family. Sometimes extended family members can make this extra challenging if they don’t fully accept or understand your adopted child.
- How we celebrate can be an expression of our identity and culture. For kids who have a different cultural, religious, or ethnic background, they may feel left out or confused with new traditions.
Although all of these factors can be overwhelming, there are some concrete strategies you can put into place to reduce stress and boost enjoyment of winter holidays. Here are a few suggestions to minimize the impact of holiday stress on adoptive families:
Parents, take care of yourself.
Yes, this means you! Self-care is always a challenge, but extra challenging during the holiday season. Tune in to your stress level and prioritize getting yourself in balance OVER other holiday duties. For example, ask yourself, “Will my family be happier if I hand-make all 12 kinds of cookies I had planned, or if I purchase the cookies at the store and am more calm and balanced?” Keep things as simple as possible and take a break when you need one, even if you only have 5 minutes! Be proactive now by thinking through the tools that you can access and by planning times to de-stress (deep breathing, meditation, walking the dog). Finally, be aware of the “survival coping” strategies that you may use for the extra stress – those strategies that help soothe us in the moment, but end up making us feel worse later (alcohol, junk food, etc.).
For yourself and your family, remember your basic physical needs!
This may be as simple as setting a reminder to drink water or to eat a nutritious meal/snack as you run 8 million errands. Knowing that holidays can impact the family sleep routine, plan some down time or quiet one-on-one time with your child to breathe and relax. Extra sweets and treats can make our bodies feel out of whack (sugar high and the inevitable crash, regular digestion, etc.). How can you strike a balance between enjoying holiday favorites, but also eating foods that make you feel good? Family gatherings can present limited opportunities for exercise, so think about ways to get some of that energy out!
Give yourself freedom to say no.
What are your wishes and desires for your family for this holiday season? We would imagine that many of you want to spend time celebrating together and building connections with friends and family. There is so much pressure this time of year to do everything. Before committing to an event or activity, ask yourself if it aligns with your desires and goals for your family. Remembering that each time you say “yes” to something you are in turn saying “no” to something else gives a good framework for making these decisions. For example, on a week where there are already multiple school holiday parties and a planned gathering with extended family, saying “yes” to a neighborhood cookie exchange (which would be very fun, but potentially dysregulating during a busy week) means saying no to a quiet family evening.
Do what you can to promote your child’s psychological safety.
This relates to your child feeling safe in uncertain times, even if they are physically safe. Try to talk with other adults before family gatherings to set clear expectations. Talk with children about potential triggers for trauma and loss and ways to check in and calm down together. Think about ways to maintain routines as much as possible and err on the side of giving kids as much information as possible (e.g. daily schedule).
Help your child to manage difficult emotions and behaviors.
There is a lot of power in “name it to tame it” (coined by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel), or the idea that simply naming negative emotions will make them less powerful. Make it safe for your child to express any and all emotions, and resist the urge to dismiss negative emotions when we are “supposed to” be happy. Feeling bad about bad feelings is usually an invitation for them to last longer! Also, remember to set clear expectations for behavior and stick to your rules and routines for getting positive attention as much as possible.
Respect your child’s connections to birth family and culture.
Make space for grief and loss, and find ways to honor family connections, such as writing letters/cards, creating art or decorations, or other ways to honor birth family members or others a child has lost. Feel free to start new traditions that incorporate positive memories from your child with your own family traditions.